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A Much Needed Break

Since becoming a mom, I am much more concerned with my children than myself.  That's pretty normal I think, but the hardest part for me is sleep.  We kept the trio on a schedule when they were babies, and they were (still are) the best sleepers.  However, even when they were sleeping through the night, I wasn't: I was still getting up to pump.  Finally we transitioned to milk after they were a year, and I could sleep...when I wasn't getting called for work (I do NOT miss being on call!!!).  Or when someone wasn't getting up for some reason.  Or when a cat wasn't yakking up a fur ball.  Or when the grass wasn't growing outside.  I don't know, something changed.  Part of it was that hubby started traveling and I was the only adult home with all the kids.  Part of it was 9/11 changed me and suddenly the highway (near our house at the time) suddenly sounded like explosions.  Most of it, I truly believe, is it's just because that's who I am.  I am a mom after a long battle to become so, and I am now responsible for these little people who mean the world to me.  Being a natural worrier, this should be expected I guess.

Then surprise (tee hee!) Haley came along and I relished every single moment of having one newborn.  All of my kids were snugglers, but when I could just cuddle one and not have the fear of someone else needing a cuddle at the exact same time, it was wonderful.  It was everything I hoped it would be, and then some.  The trio were 4 at the time, and they adored their baby sister just as much.

Hmm, do you think I'm sleeping more these days?

I love my darling youngest to pieces, but she is not the best sleeper.  She was on a schedule enough that I don't think it's the lack of deviance from one as strict as the trio's that did it.  She is our last baby, she gets her snuggles, and she knows it.  Not saying she's spoiled, because the girl is unbelievably smart and we are all stubborn enough to not give in to tantrums.  Come on, we have four kids, two full time working (traveling involved) parents.  We try very hard to spend the time we have with the kids very wisely.  But boy, 3 7 year olds and 1 3 year old can wear you out.  We don't have much family at all nearby, and we maybe go out just the two of us a few times a year.  Literally.  I really don't mind this fact, but right now, I'm tired.

I'm tired, people.  I'm seriously tired.  I need a break.  My body is telling me that.  I've gotten sick more in the last 4 months than I've gotten in the last 4 years combined.

There were some factors that all came in to play for us to take a little vacation.  We of course felt guilty as hell to even consider it (especially for me, since I have to fly), but I grappled with it for a while.  Then I got another health issue.  I decided that I have to do this for me, for my family, because I can't continue at this pace.  I'm pretty sure 5 nights in Mexico won't solve everything, but I am certain it will go a long way.  I've allowed myself to let go of the guilt, I know the kids are in trusted care, and I know I will enjoy the 5 nights of doing WHATEVER.  Sitting on a beach chair, reading a book, taking a nap, NOT checking my email, smelling the air, soaking up the sun (with sunscreen, because I'm overly pale).  It took me some time to 'allow' myself this luxury in light of the economy, everyone's uncertain futures, leaving my kids in general, but I'm going to do it.  Of course I'll miss my kids like nobody's business, but that's ok.

One week from right now, I'll be relaxing.  And it will be a much, much, much needed break.

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