The World According to Angela

It's amazing how much your career becomes a part of your personal being.  You may realize that it's there, but you don't fully appreciate how intergral it has become until you lose it.  Personally, I worked very hard for my career, putting myself through college for both my Bachelor's and my Master's degrees.  I left a few positions for the pursuit of someplace better; somewhere I felt I 'fit.'  I had it for a while.  I liked the company, I liked my bosses, I liked my coworkers, and I liked the work itself.  I had established myself and it was enough to sustain me when I had an unexpected change in my life with the pregnancy of my fourth child.  They were able to help me out and keep me on board part time from home.  This was working really well for me, and I thought for them too.  My life was in complete balance.  I felt I was a good mom, around for my children, and also still keeping my foot in the door of my career.  I was still dedicated even though I was not regularly in the office, and put in my share of time and then some.  I felt I was probably under a more scrutinized eye being that I was working from home, so I wanted to make absolutely sure I was still being a good employee.  Things were getting tough for everyone with company changes and cutback after cutback, so I tried hard to ensure that I wouldn't be on the next 'list.'  Even though so many were unhappy and looking for different positions, I was content to remain doing well at my job for as long as I could.

With the impending buyout and two poor quarters in a row, I never felt safe.  I always worried about what I would do if I got the boot, but tried not to let it consume me.  I was trying to enjoy the balance my life was in, and take it day by day.

It's amazing how much it's consuming me now.

For lack of a better word, there is just something in you that dies when you are laid off from your job.  Especially one that you've worked hard at for 7 years.  As much as I am not completely surprised by the news given the state of the company, I still cannot make it hurt less.  I still go from shock to anger to overwhelming grief, almost as bad as if I lost someone.  But then I realize I did just that; I lost that part of myself that I had attached to my career.  I lost that part of me which was providing for my large family.  I lost the part of me always checking my email no matter what time of day or day of the week.  I lost that responsible part of my brain always checking in to make sure things were running ok, or if I had a conference call to jump on.  I've always been working at my house, but now my 'home office' is just a painful reminder of what is gone.  I can't avoid this part of my house as I could avoid going in to an office building.

It's hard.  I will assume that it will get easier with time, but so far it seems that it gets harder each day.  It's always there in my mind, so I have to figure out a way to let that part of me go.  Let it die.  Let it "sever" as the legal documents I have to sign indicate.  Quit thinking I'll wake up and it was all a bad dream.  Quit thinking the phone will ring and they will say it's all been a big mistake.  Quit taking it as a personal insult.  Quit wondering what I could have done differently.  Terminate.

And figure out what I will do next with my life, knowing that it directly affects 5 other people.  Praying that when one door closes, another one opens.  Continue saying my mantra: breathe in, breathe out, move on...