The Time is Now
It's been over a week since I received that life-changing phone call. While I always had the fear in the back of my mind, nothing could have prepared me for the slam of emotions it entailed. I was so shaken up by being laid off, that I was physically sick. I felt like I had extreme morning sickness. I couldn't eat, had a constant feeling of nausea and a never ending headache. Add in the fact that I couldn't sleep on top of it and yeah, I was a real barrel of laughs.
Even worse than my physical ailments were my unrelenting thoughts. I felt betrayed, I felt angry, and worst of all, I felt hopeless. The thought of starting over was enough to send me praying to the porcelain gods. I felt that it would never matter how hard you worked or how much you gave of yourself, someone was just going to crap on you anyway. During this fog, I read something from Jordyn's teacher on why she loved teaching 1st grade. I'll quote this, because I like it as is: "Where else would the future look as bright as it does amid an energetic group to whom nothing is impossible." The first time I read it, I scoffed. Yeah, I used to have that sort of attitude, but now I know all of these poor kids are so misled - the world is an awful place where it's everyone for themselves.
Then I stopped.
I caught myself going down a spiral that I didn't want to be in. I don't believe the world is terrible, and I don't believe the future is bleak. It was somewhere in there that my headache started to lift, my nausea subsided and I slept solidly for a few hours in a row. I woke up Tuesday after having two very vivid work dreams that seemed to mentally cut the ties for me. I felt better. Wednesday morning I woke up and realized that I was in a better mood than I'd been in for a long time. I mean a long time, even still being employed. It was then, and only then, I was able to update my resume.
As I've said, the company had been going downhill for a long time. It's a pretty awful feeling knowing that at any moment, the phone could ring and your time would be over. I've lived with that feeling for a long time now, especially as I've watched friend after friend, great worker after the next, get their terminations. I thought maybe if I did even more than my share, that I'd be spared. As long as they were letting me work from home, I'd endure anything. What right do I have to complain if I could do my work from home? Deny me training, deny me raises, deny me new opportunities: well, as long as you don't make me go back into the office, it's ok.
That is actually pretty terrible if you think about it.
Why should I think that is all I am worth? Why would I believe that "working from home" was the end all, be all of my life? How did I allow myself to become so brainwashed? I was "home" with the kids, sure, but I was mentally only half here, if that. I was always thinking about work, on a call, checking my mail, typing up something, whatever. There was never a clear start and end to my work days, it was just a continual day. 20 hours a week? Ha. What a joke.
Now my overwhelming feelings are those of relief, freedom and optimism. I don't think I would have made a change in my life for a long time as long as I was allowed to work from home. I would have been 'stuck' in that mindset and there I would stay no matter what was thrown at me. And I really don't think I would have ever been able to advance my career any further there, in the office or not. A point had to come to force a change upon me, and the time is now.
My bitterness and anger are gone. I truly and honestly believe that there is something else out there for me which will be better. I don't know what it is just yet, but I know that will become clear as the door opens. I have some ideas, so now is the time to pursue them. I know everything will be ok, and this is just another stepping stone to the next big adventure. I'm thankful for the 7 years I had with the previous employer and for the people with which I had the honor of working. I have made several friends whose friendship will remain regardless of an employment status.
My life is not going to be ruined because of a job. I feel happiest when I am doing things I enjoy. I very much enjoy being a mom, but I also enjoy doing other things including being able to provide for my family. I will find a way to bring in income that I can be excited about again. The whole world didn't turn to crap, even if a company will tell you it did (which is what they did in order to justify all of the cutbacks). There is still so much out there, and even things to feel passionate about! You really do need to enjoy what you are doing. Life is just to short to do otherwise. I would have settled because I was content with my situation, but I deserve better than that. I have never settled on less than great before in my life, so why would I start now? I know I have four kids, but I also have to be an example for them. Settling is not in my nature.
So I guess I just needed to have my week and get over the situation. I am over it, and suddenly the future looks bright again. Whatever the future holds for me, I'm ready for it. The time on my clock is NOW.
