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October 26, 2009

Who Can You Trust?

Since having children, I've tried more than ever to educate myself on, well, absolutely everything. It's no secret that I struggled to have my kids, and I got more than my fair share of advice from people on what I was doing wrong. I got more than an earful on what I "should" be doing if I wanted to procreate. It's no surprise that I blamed myself for something I must have done wrong, having first a miscarriage and then no pregnancy in sight. And since so many other people could get pregnant without even wanting to, it must be some sort of punishment for me.

I went through hell and then some before I let myself believe it wasn't something I did to myself. I didn't let that first baby die. I wanted that child more than my own life, and it wasn't fair that the day I found out it was there, it was gone in that same second. I lost a part of my soul that day, and I will never forget that baby.

I later came to find that I'm riddled with physical, incurable problems. Again, being at the time a young, healthy person who survived a lot already, what went wrong? Did I not already pay my dues? Did I not already "prove" that I was ready to start my own family and have children of my own? Why did I have to endure more than I already had?

Jump again to the day I gave birth to triplets, almost perfectly healthy. Scary at first, but no real lifelong problems, only recommendations to have RSV shots because it could be deadly if they got it. I believed in that risk, I heard stories, and I did it...I took that first leap of faith to start injecting my tiny little babies with something. I took a leap of faith that their doctor wanted to keep them alive and keep them healthy. And you know what? Maybe it was just dumb luck, or our lifestyle, or faith? None of them had a hospital stay after birth discharge until Connor decided to be superman and break his arm in half.

I have done the vaccinations - spread out maybe differently when they were babies because my doctor was cautious. I have gone to an almost completely homemade diet for all of us. We are an active family, and we wash our hands regularly. I was able to have Haley without the aid of treatment or a c-section. Then, I was almost incapaciated with pain for years after having her until a doctor tried something different on me other than surgery - and something that actually WORKED.

Yet, there are things that still bring us down. The latest virus not the least problematic with its intensity...and the one we didn't vaccinate against. Is it a conspiracy? Is it some larger force trying to do us all in? Is it the drug manufacturers trying to force us in to having more things injected into us? Who can you trust? Who will you trust, and why? Everything anymore is under scrutiny from the air we breathe to the very foundations upon which we were all raised. I'm not completely sure myself, but all I can tell you is my story. We'll all have to make up our own minds about who and what we trust, and exactly why.

It's just that "why" that will always be in question...

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