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November 03, 2008

The Trust Factor

When you are a child, you are born with the innate ability to trust others. It is a natural response to rely on those stronger than you.  As you get older, you start to believe you are so independent and indestructable, and start testing your boundaries.  You trust your own superpowers to get you through.  It is a very natural and necessary part of life.

That's all fine and dandy, until you become a mom.  Moms know the world is full of hurt and pain, and they would give their own lives to prevent others those very things.  But where would we be if we didn't know the good that comes with the bad?  The consequences to bad decisions?  The wrong from the right?

My 7 year old made a bad decision.  He knew he shouldn't have jumped that distance, yet the kid can usually do it without any issue.  I have heard his regret at doing it over and over, and how he wishes he could go back in time.  I have heard his siblings tell me the same through their own tears, and how they wish their brother wasn't in so much pain.  I have heard their friends talk about so-and-so getting hurt and so-and-so having a cast.  I have watched the pain radiate over my son's body and watched him almost vomit from the intensity.  I promised him time and time again that he was worrying worse than the situation, and that I'd make sure he'd be ok.  I felt every single second of a two hour surgery (that ultimately lasted 3+ hours) as if they were draining every bit of my own blood.  I answered every single person who asked what I wanted during that time with a simple, "I just want my son."  I didn't need one single thing other than my son to emerge from surgery ok.  That's it.  I just wanted my son to be ok.

I had to put my son's life into the hands of many people I'd never even met.  I could see his injury and I could see the complications it caused, but there I was...at a brand new hospital, without my own doctor...without anyone else other than my phone...and making a decision for him.  I felt myself in the place he was hours earlier...up in the air about to take a giant leap...of faith, or courage, or whatever.  I tried to convince myself that I had enough knowledge to make the jump, and nobody would land broken as a result.

Luckily for us, he is ok.  I do feel it was the right decision, and I don't second guess anything that happened.  It is still early on, but he's made amazing strides as only a 7 year old can.  Of course, he will heal.  I am optimistic that all will be ok, and it will be a matter of keeping him reminded of his arm and making sure he doesn't re-injure it.  He had his unfaltering trust in me, that I would make the right decisions for him and keep him safe.  I do feel I did just that, and didn't let him down.  Now the trust factor must shift to me, I suppose.  I'll have to remember my own superpowers to see him (and myself) through.

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