When I first starting writing on my web site and my blog, it was wonderful.  It was such a great outlet and a way to journal those thoughts.  There is so much history that I would love to share as well – not to mention more of the things that go on daily.  Now, it seems all I can keep up with are some texts and facebook statuses.  I don't want it to be just that, but right now, it's all I can do.  And I do not like that at all.

"What would YOU do if you were faced with that situation?"  I am just quoting a very great speech I heard recently (more on that another time because it has its own merits).  There are certain very difficult questions you can be faced with, that can never really be answered.  “Why me?” was another such great question.  Those are the situations that people live through, however they did, and want to share that experience with others.  Even affecting one person in a positive way is better than none at all.

Compared to the story I did hear, my stories aren't much, but I want to tell them.  Why?  Because I think in the end, they are encouraging.  When you are faced with real, serious situations, it will change you.  It will show you your true character.  And sometimes reading about those things before you are ever faced with them personally is a tool on your side.  Often hearing stories way beyond what you will ever endure gives you a new perspective on your own life.

I wish I had more time to write.  Before anyone asks me why I don't do it when I have downtime is because 1 - my downtime is pretty much non-existent; 2 - when I start to write, I don't want to stop.  I get in a groove and want to write without doing anything else and definitely without interruption...which pretty much eliminates that possibility for many more years.  Maybe I'll be inspired enough to start writing little chapters, even if just for myself, to make sure the brain cells that are dying off by the day don't forget too much more.  Finally 3 – I know these thoughts aren’t perfectly put together, but I’ve started to take a new approach…I’m going to write whatever is on my mind, even if sometimes (or most times), it comes out disjointed.  I am tired of only writing work emails so this is a fresh start for me.  By the end of the day, my brain is tired, give me a break. ;-)

If nothing else, I can only hope the 'non-writing' of my story is being reflected in my kids.  That they are influenced positively by the things we (my husband and I) do, and are getting the foundations for being strong people.  I suppose that is the ultimate goal in life, that your kids get the best parts of yourselves and none of the extra baggage.

I still want to write more.  I think I need it.

(and by the way, if I find that perfect formula for being parents, I'll be sure to share!)

For me personally, I have found myself looking deeper and struggling harder for that optimism.  I do like to consider myself a generally happy and forward looking person, but for whatever reason(s), this year has been a test.  It's been more difficult to keep it going every day from morning until night.  I've had some material (meaning very expensive) problems this year, such as replacing a toilet, surviving without my under-warranty van for almost 2 months, and expensive repairs for a relatively new TV and refrigerator.  Combine that with some personal things going on and yeah, it's been a struggle for me to keep up the happy facade.

That happiness is crucial when you are raising 4 kids with 2 working parents.  When my happy juice starts to get sour, I take notice.

I know this year has been a struggle for many I know and love.  Here's to hoping 2010 is filled with a lot of those good things that help to keep that happy stuff going strong for all of us.  Bad things will always happen, but when you have enough of the sweet in the mental bank, it's a lot easier to swallow.

Happy New Year!

I went through hell and then some before I let myself believe it wasn't something I did to myself. I didn't let that first baby die. I wanted that child more than my own life, and it wasn't fair that the day I found out it was there, it was gone in that same second. I lost a part of my soul that day, and I will never forget that baby.

I later came to find that I'm riddled with physical, incurable problems. Again, being at the time a young, healthy person who survived a lot already, what went wrong? Did I not already pay my dues? Did I not already "prove" that I was ready to start my own family and have children of my own? Why did I have to endure more than I already had?

Jump again to the day I gave birth to triplets, almost perfectly healthy. Scary at first, but no real lifelong problems, only recommendations to have RSV shots because it could be deadly if they got it. I believed in that risk, I heard stories, and I did it...I took that first leap of faith to start injecting my tiny little babies with something. I took a leap of faith that their doctor wanted to keep them alive and keep them healthy. And you know what? Maybe it was just dumb luck, or our lifestyle, or faith? None of them had a hospital stay after birth discharge until Connor decided to be superman and break his arm in half.

I have done the vaccinations - spread out maybe differently when they were babies because my doctor was cautious. I have gone to an almost completely homemade diet for all of us. We are an active family, and we wash our hands regularly. I was able to have Haley without the aid of treatment or a c-section. Then, I was almost incapaciated with pain for years after having her until a doctor tried something different on me other than surgery - and something that actually WORKED.

Yet, there are things that still bring us down. The latest virus not the least problematic with its intensity...and the one we didn't vaccinate against. Is it a conspiracy? Is it some larger force trying to do us all in? Is it the drug manufacturers trying to force us in to having more things injected into us? Who can you trust? Who will you trust, and why? Everything anymore is under scrutiny from the air we breathe to the very foundations upon which we were all raised. I'm not completely sure myself, but all I can tell you is my story. We'll all have to make up our own minds about who and what we trust, and exactly why.

It's just that "why" that will always be in question...

I miss the regular breaks you had to take. I miss the wisdom you would impart on so many different levels when you spoke. I always loved your humble honesty of everything. I never really got the chance to tell you all of 'it,' but I told you enough - as much as you wanted to hear, anyway. And you would listen to all of the important stuff, every single time. You accepted me into the dinner group. We had so many good conversations. I probably never told you enough how much I admired you. Then again, I think we had a very clear unspoken bond.

At least I had a chance to tell you the next starting point and I'll never forget our last conversation.  I just wish I knew it was our last.  I honestly remember every syllable of it. Thanks for your blessing, we are still doing great.

I missed you enough that we paid a tribute to you in our wedding. And then part of your name is one of our kid's - little did we know at the time, the most spirited of the kids. I really do thank you for having so profound of an effect on my life. I wish I would have told you that better. I hope you knew that. And I hope you know how many times I wish I could share this crazy insane journey with you. You would have laughed. I have so many stories that would have made you laugh again and again.

Wherever you are, please know how much you are missed. You will never be far from my heart.

Too many stressors at once, and I hate to be a complainer.  This is my outlet and I used to want - TO NEED - to write it out here, as it made me feel better.  The part that scares me is I haven't even wanted to do that.

I have it all in my head, but for whatever reason, it hasn't been comfortable to release it here.  Instead I've been doing other things like random trivia or watching ONLY things on the DVR that make me laugh.

I'm hoping things will change soon...

Life is now going by so quickly having kids of my own, that I am beginning to cherish those memories all the more.  Cherish all of the silly things the kids do that I can't tell those particular loved ones.  Seeing the pictures that captured their personalities helps me remain close to them.  It helps me tell my own kids about all the wonderful people that they will never know.  I imagine, probably quite accurately, what their responses and reactions would be to the things I wish I could call to share with them.  I love the pictures!

But unfortunately, there are other pictures I come across that literally rip my heart into shreds.  I won't elaborate here because I want to respect their privacy, but I'm just going to say this much along with the picture.  This picture is worth so many words that I want to say, that I should say, but that I ALREADY have said.  This picture was taken on such a happy day and it literally kills me to think of fast forwarding a mere 4 years down the road and how much life would be different.  Different for everyone.  And the ever stupid optimistic soul that I am, I'm still hoping for some sort of similar picture down the road. 

No matter now, this picture makes me cry *every* time.  Oh, the thousand words I could say.

With all due respect, you are not welcome here.  Outside the house, I will tolerate you in very small doses, as long as you are a safe distance from my kids and do not build your nests on my property.  Inside my house, all bets are off.  You must leave.  You must find the way out of here quickly.  I have put up with enough of you at this point to know that our relationship must end promptly.  You have me right now, as I feel all buggy all the time.  Ickky.  Creepy crawly.

Why?  Because there you were.  With your evil, horrible body with all of its stripes and stinger perched upon things in my bathroom of all places.  I touch a towel to find, OMG, there you are!  I close the blinds to find, OMG, there you are!  I see the kleenex box and OMG, there you are!  Then how the hell did you find yourself (and some others) all the way downstairs?  I go to let the dog out, and OMG, there you are!  Not ok by a long shot.

YOU MUST LEAVE, my fellow living creatures.  You are very much not welcome inside my house where I must protect my own family.  Get the hell out.  Stop making me bring in people to put chemicals up my vents.  Stop giving me nightmares about being stung repeatedly, as I have those nightmares often enough on my own, thankyouverymuch.  Find somebody else to bother.  You have stung enough of us in the past and you are just not ever welcome INSIDE my house.

Please, GET THE F**K OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,

Me (who will do whatever the hell it takes to vacate you if I must)

I knew I was really tired, but now that I've taken a step back, I can really understand just how tired.  Tired enough to make - and keep - me physically sick is troublesome.  It's troublesome because the source of my sleep deprivation is a 3 1/2 year old, and I don't know how to fix this situation.

When the trio were babies, we were slaves to the schedule, because it worked.  When it was time to sleep, the kids knew it and it was never any trouble.  They are still awesome sleepers to this day.  My little one, well, we kept to a schedule but it didn't govern our life as before.  She never slept as well, and it was really ok when she was a baby because there was only one of her.  After she moved to her big bed from the crib, she would wake up now and then but it wasn't crazy.  Now she's up in the middle of the night more than not, and she always requires me to snuggle her and to have a drink of milk.  I let her have a pacifier longer than I wanted and that is really the only thing I can pinpoint that could be different.  She's still got her other things she likes to sleep with, but they must not soothe her the way her pacifier did.

I just can't figure out how she functions so well with this sleeplessness!

My nightly slumber is nothing more than a series of naps.  People need a solid chunk of sleep in order to function.  Your body and mind must be allowed to reset itself.

The effects of my rest are quickly rubbing off.  Five nights of sleep can't make up for the huge sleep debt I've got going, especially since my first two nights back have been once again nothing but a series of naps.  I really, really REALLY don't want to get sick again, especially since I have to have surgery in the next couple of weeks.  I want nothing more than just to go to bed at night, and wake up refreshed in the morning...at least more nights than the alternative.  Is that really too much to ask?

Then surprise (tee hee!) Haley came along and I relished every single moment of having one newborn.  All of my kids were snugglers, but when I could just cuddle one and not have the fear of someone else needing a cuddle at the exact same time, it was wonderful.  It was everything I hoped it would be, and then some.  The trio were 4 at the time, and they adored their baby sister just as much.

Hmm, do you think I'm sleeping more these days?

I love my darling youngest to pieces, but she is not the best sleeper.  She was on a schedule enough that I don't think it's the lack of deviance from one as strict as the trio's that did it.  She is our last baby, she gets her snuggles, and she knows it.  Not saying she's spoiled, because the girl is unbelievably smart and we are all stubborn enough to not give in to tantrums.  Come on, we have four kids, two full time working (traveling involved) parents.  We try very hard to spend the time we have with the kids very wisely.  But boy, 3 7 year olds and 1 3 year old can wear you out.  We don't have much family at all nearby, and we maybe go out just the two of us a few times a year.  Literally.  I really don't mind this fact, but right now, I'm tired.

I'm tired, people.  I'm seriously tired.  I need a break.  My body is telling me that.  I've gotten sick more in the last 4 months than I've gotten in the last 4 years combined.

There were some factors that all came in to play for us to take a little vacation.  We of course felt guilty as hell to even consider it (especially for me, since I have to fly), but I grappled with it for a while.  Then I got another health issue.  I decided that I have to do this for me, for my family, because I can't continue at this pace.  I'm pretty sure 5 nights in Mexico won't solve everything, but I am certain it will go a long way.  I've allowed myself to let go of the guilt, I know the kids are in trusted care, and I know I will enjoy the 5 nights of doing WHATEVER.  Sitting on a beach chair, reading a book, taking a nap, NOT checking my email, smelling the air, soaking up the sun (with sunscreen, because I'm overly pale).  It took me some time to 'allow' myself this luxury in light of the economy, everyone's uncertain futures, leaving my kids in general, but I'm going to do it.  Of course I'll miss my kids like nobody's business, but that's ok.

One week from right now, I'll be relaxing.  And it will be a much, much, much needed break.

I've had an emotionally tough time accepting a lot of things over the past several years.  I've tried to fix family rifts, tried to make wrongs right, tried to repair broken hearts.  I've been through my share of personal problems, trying to still be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend (to name just a few).  When people I care about hurt, I hurt.  I can't turn that off.

And I've come to learn that I don't want to turn that off.  It's what keeps me sane (there is a note of irony there).

We get one chance at life.  You never know when your time is up, so people, you damn well better make the most of it.  Sometimes it sucks, some days you can drive yourself batty with worry about everything.  It's easy to do, especially in these times of uncertainty (or should I say absolute uncertainty - Mrs. Steinberg, I think you'd be proud).

But today, it was 68 degrees and sunny (yah!).  I had fresh air flowing through my house.  And my youngest sister had a very healthy (very - as in 9 lbs 2 oz) baby boy.  My husband and children are all under my roof tonight, safe and sound.  I still have a job that I enjoy that also has great health benefits.  I live in an awesome neighborhood with lots of friends whom I trust.  Life could be so much worse.

A new life that affects mine was born tonight.  I have four kids...I'm obviously a sucker for babies.  I might not even be able to meet my nephew until Memorial Day, but I'm excited for them.  I'm hoping and hoping and hoping that everything turns out ok with that particular situation, but again, it's not my life.  It is all good tonight, and that's what matters for now.  My sister is doing well, embracing her new role as a mom with her (pretty awesome) boyfriend beside her, and I'll take that.  She knew what she was getting in to, and stuck by her decision.  They are young, but there is something in their maturity that tells me they just might be ok.  And I completely respect that.

Like I said, I'm a sucker.  Welcome to parenthood Abby and Blayne, and Brayden, I can't wait to meet you.

I've made my share of mistakes and bad decisions in my life.  That's just part of growing up.  I've also had some pretty shitty things happen to me which were out of my control.  The combination of what was in my control and what wasn't gave me a perspective that drove my goals.  It lit a fire under my butt that I knew nothing was going to come of my life other than what I made of it.  So going up against the odds stacked against me, I went for it.

It is often difficult to truly explain to another how hard you struggle.  The reason I can't stand the song "Brown Eyed Girl" is not because my eyes are not brown.  It is because I lived in a dorm my first year of college where I was one of the VERY FEW working to put themselves through school.  The spoiled sorority girls on my floor (not an insult to sororites in general) would hover in the hallways and brag about how their parents were gonna "kill them" for their outrageous phone bill.  Or how they couldn't wait for their spring break trip to Cancun.  All the while, they would hit repeat on the CD player and sing, at the top of their lungs no less, "Brown Eyed Girl."  It almost drove me insane.  There I was, trying to get some much needed sleep from working full time while also going to school full time to PAY MY OWN FRICKING WAY, and I had to listen to that.  How I survived it without punching them in the face will always amaze me.

I knew I'd probably be in the minority in that situation going to that particular college, and that was the decision I made.  In the end, it turned out to be a wonderful situation even with all of the hardships it entailed.  I met so many lifelong friends, not least importantly, my husband.  I fought through it all, and I became a stronger person as a result.  It's hard to describe the sleep deprivation from working so many hours and doing so much homework, let alone trying to have a social life.  Somehow, it all worked out exactly how it was meant to, and I wouldn't change a minute of it.

My first car?  Bought in cash after working two full time jobs an entire summer.  Insurance as a teenager?  Yeah, that was most of my wages.  First job out of college?  It sucked.  I didn't go through all that debt and struggle to be someone's assistant (not that there is anything AT ALL wrong with that job, I just wanted more - and needed to make more with my student loan debt).  Decided it was time to reach higher and went back to school.  My student loans are still with me today, and will be for a while longer.  The first house I ever lived in was purchased by my husband and I.  Our wedding, the wedding of our dreams (if you were there, you know it was by no means extravagant), was paid for by us on our measely wages.  Feeling ready for kids?  Oh, that can't be easy either.  Heartache and OMG what hell later, guess what...you're going to have triplets!  No family nearby, two working parents (and had to stay that way at that point, 3 babies are expensive!) but we got through 7 years and counting now.  Different jobs, layoffs, health problems, another baby, yet here we are still going strong.

Let's face it: life is hard, parenting is hard, it's a lot of work some days just to smile.  But I'm constantly reminded by something I kept hearing long ago...10% of life is what happens to you, the other 90% is how you choose to deal with it.  We can all have our bad days where that 10% feels like 100%.  But in order to stay sane, most days, it has to be more of a choice and an effort.  Shit happens every day.  Some days, the world collapses and you feel like you are the butt of a practical joke.  Sometimes those days turn into weeks and you are stuck in a really bad rut.  In those cases, I always try to find a way to shake it off.  Find the humor in a crappy situation.  I hear the comment "I don't know how you do it" so often.  If I am making this look easy, I am honored.  It's my life.  I do it because I love my husband, my kids, my family, my friends...my whole life.  It's very hard for me, too.  But it's my life, I love it, and it takes a lot of worthwhile work.

It helps if you and your closest person are also on that same wavelength.  You won't always see eye to eye - some days nowhere even remotely close.  Once again, I believe it's choice.  Days where we aren't getting along, I can (usually) control myself enough to bite my tongue.  I believe Aaron does the same for me.  We get through those sour patches and do not hold grudges.  We find ourselves back to being best friends and able to navigate the challenges of our life together.  Neither one of us is perfect, but together and through our choices, we keep each other on track.  Personally, I believed early on that there was something different in my relationship with Aaron, which is why saying "I do" was so easy.  In saying this, I do understand that some people are just simply incompatible.  Some relationships can work; others cannot.

Do I have some point to this entire dissertation?  Only that I think life is more choice than chance.  Life is going to hit you, some good things, some pretty horrible.  Some things you can change, some you cannot.  What makes your character is how you deal with it, and how you learn.  The only real mistake is the one where you learned nothing.  There is no substitute for experience.  I'm not trying to sound preachy by any means, I'm just rambling out some stuff going through my head.

I am worried for some of my family members, but I know they make their own choices too, and it's their lives.  They will find a way, and hopefully things turn out on the positive side.  They have to find their own way just as we all do.  I just hope they make an effort to do something...at least to be happy.  And I will keep reminding myself that ultimately they are their choices to make, not mine.  Even when they make bad choices, I'll still be there for them.

The choices you make are your own (just please, pretty please, LEARN from them).

I have also found the world of Facebook, and that has seen the little bit of time I do expend.  It's so easy and so many people I know are on it.  If you are but aren't currently one of my Facebook friends, let me know and we'll get connected.

I hope your 2009 has started off well.  I promise to write a bit more soon.

That's all fine and dandy, until you become a mom.  Moms know the world is full of hurt and pain, and they would give their own lives to prevent others those very things.  But where would we be if we didn't know the good that comes with the bad?  The consequences to bad decisions?  The wrong from the right?

My 7 year old made a bad decision.  He knew he shouldn't have jumped that distance, yet the kid can usually do it without any issue.  I have heard his regret at doing it over and over, and how he wishes he could go back in time.  I have heard his siblings tell me the same through their own tears, and how they wish their brother wasn't in so much pain.  I have heard their friends talk about so-and-so getting hurt and so-and-so having a cast.  I have watched the pain radiate over my son's body and watched him almost vomit from the intensity.  I promised him time and time again that he was worrying worse than the situation, and that I'd make sure he'd be ok.  I felt every single second of a two hour surgery (that ultimately lasted 3+ hours) as if they were draining every bit of my own blood.  I answered every single person who asked what I wanted during that time with a simple, "I just want my son."  I didn't need one single thing other than my son to emerge from surgery ok.  That's it.  I just wanted my son to be ok.

I had to put my son's life into the hands of many people I'd never even met.  I could see his injury and I could see the complications it caused, but there I was...at a brand new hospital, without my own doctor...without anyone else other than my phone...and making a decision for him.  I felt myself in the place he was hours earlier...up in the air about to take a giant leap...of faith, or courage, or whatever.  I tried to convince myself that I had enough knowledge to make the jump, and nobody would land broken as a result.

Luckily for us, he is ok.  I do feel it was the right decision, and I don't second guess anything that happened.  It is still early on, but he's made amazing strides as only a 7 year old can.  Of course, he will heal.  I am optimistic that all will be ok, and it will be a matter of keeping him reminded of his arm and making sure he doesn't re-injure it.  He had his unfaltering trust in me, that I would make the right decisions for him and keep him safe.  I do feel I did just that, and didn't let him down.  Now the trust factor must shift to me, I suppose.  I'll have to remember my own superpowers to see him (and myself) through.

My phone rang on my work line and my cell phone, while I was on a call.  Then Aaron alerted me that Connor had gotten hurt and needed us to get him.  The seriousness in the voicemail had me quickly at the school door.  He had tried to skip past some of the monkey bars, and fell hard, straight onto his left arm.  They had some ice on it and a makeshift sling, but it was obvious how much pain he was in.  One of the ladies who had helped him quietly cautioned me that it didn't look good.  Something very sweet to note, both Caden and Jordyn were literally crying for Connor because they didn't want him to be hurt so badly.  They were worried sick over their brother.  Even further, Caden chose to sleep in Jordyn's room last night rather than without Connor in their room.  Now that is a sibling bond for sure!  It's nice to know your siblings have your back like that!

Our brand new hospital recently opened and was the closest, so off we went.  Everyone we encountered was so nice, and they also gave him something for the pain pretty quickly.  From the moment they cut off his shirt, it was easy to see a break was obvious.  The x-ray technician brought me to the x-ray directly and it didn't take any words from her for the tears to come to my eyes - the picture said it all.  It was very obvious this situation wasn't good.  His humerus was completely cracked in half, and not lined up.  Not humorous at all.  See for yourself:

An orthopedic surgeon explained he'd give Connor some analgesic to make him groggy and unaware, and he'd try to manually reset the bone back into place.  After he came out of that, he didn't remember any of it, but I always will.  Watching his eyes dilate and him slip into another zone was very difficult.  Worse was watching the doctor try to wretch the bones back in place.  Seeing some tears fall from his eyes made mine do the same.  I couldn't watch most of it, but I was glad I could be there.  He came out of it pretty quickly and easily, and said he had a happy dream.  Unfortunately the x-ray confirmed what the doctor thought: it was not successful.  Surgery with full anesthesia would be required.  After I kissed his head and watched him wheel away, I lost it.  So scared for my sweet boy.  Surgery...such a nasty fracture...what could I have done to prevent it...what could I do to change it...would a different doctor have been able to secure it.  Nothing to do but wait and try to keep my worst fears and thoughts from overtaking me.

The surgery itself lasted two full hours.  The surgeon said it was a very clean break, but that wasn't good for keeping the bone in place.  He ended up needing an open incision, along with three pins to secure the fracture.  The break is very high near his shoulder, so he will wear an immobilizing brace for a while to promote healing.  All I can say is luckily it's his left arm since he is right handed.

After being away from him for almost 4 hours, they brought me to the recovery area.  He hadn't woken up yet, so I was there when he did.  He did pretty good, just the normal disorientation and shivering.  They kept him comfortable and at least his pain was well under control.  It was 2:30 am before we arrived at his hospital room for overnight observation.  He rested well, other than the 2 hours of 15 minute checks, and then 1/2 spans after that.  He was able to eat a good breakfast and we were discharged shortly afterward.  We have some pain medicine and are just taking it hour by hour at this point.  He was always in good spirits when he was awake, and always telling the nurses how much he liked it there, and what good care they took care of him.  He was definitely full on sweetheart.

As a mom, this was so incredibly hard for me.  All I can say now is I'm so thankful everything turned out ok in the end.  We'll have a long recovery with the location of the injury and the 3 protruding pins, but hopefully the bone will heal with no problems.  I am currently exhausted beyond belief, but wanted to write this update for the many caring friends and family we have that need an update.  We will of course keep you updated as to his progress.

- kids are loosing teeth,

- kids are asking 'tough' questions,

- kids are gettin' sick,

- kids are having fun,

- mom's industry is doing ok in this particular economy, but...

- mom is very busy,

- mom is choosing to spend her ONLY 'off' time not on the computer.

I'll find time to write better soon.  Really, I will...